Holding Space: What It Actually Means (And Why Most People Can’t Do It)

“I just need you to hold space for me.”
People say this all the time. And I wonder how many actually know what it means. Because holding space isn’t fixing. It’s not advice-giving. It’s not even comfort. It’s presence. Witnessing. Letting someone be without needing to change them. And most people can’t do it. Not because they’re bad people. But because sitting in someone else’s discomfort without solving it goes against every instinct we have.

What Holding Space Actually Is:
Let me tell you what it’s not first.
It’s not saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”
It’s not offering solutions: “Have you tried…?”
It’s not centering yourself: “When that happened to me…”
It’s not rushing them through their feelings: “You’ll be fine! Look on the bright side!”

Holding space is:
Being present without an agenda. Witnessing someone’s pain or joy or struggle without needing to fix it, change it, or make it about you.
It’s saying, “I’m here. I see you. You’re not alone.”
And then shutting up.
That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
But it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.

Why Most People Can’t Do It:

Here’s why it’s so rare:
Discomfort. Other people’s pain makes us uncomfortable. So, we rush to fix it—not to help them, but to soothe ourselves. Ego. We want to be useful. We want to help. So, we give advice they didn’t ask for because it makes us feel better. Projection. Their struggle triggers our stuff. So, we make it about us. “When I was going through that, I did X…” And now we’ve centered ourselves in their pain. Holding space requires you to get out of the way. And most people can’t.

What It Looks Like (The Practice):
Let me give you an example.
Your friend says, “I’m really struggling in my marriage.”
NOT holding space looks like:
• “Oh my god, have you tried therapy?”

• “You should read this book I just read.”     

• “When my marriage was struggling, I did X and it totally helped.”

You just gave unsolicited advice, centered yourself, and skipped the part where you actually listened. Holding space looks like:
• “That sounds really hard. Do you want to talk about it, or do you just need me to sit with you?” That’s it. You witnessed. You didn’t fix. You let them lead.

Does It Only Come with Age?:

I used to think holding space was something only older, wiser people could do.
And there’s truth to that. Life experience helps. When you’ve lived through your own pain, you know that fixing doesn’t work. You’ve released the need to be the hero. You’ve learned that not everything needs to be solved. But I’ve also met young people who are naturally gifted at this. Empaths. Trauma survivors who learned early what they needed and now offer it to others. And I’ve met old people who never learn. Who stay fixers, advice-givers, self-centerers their whole lives. So no, it doesn’t only come with age. It comes with wisdom. And wisdom can be earned young or never earned at all. What I’ve learned is this: holding space is cultivated through being held yourself. Or through not being held and realizing what you needed. It’s a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.

How to Hold Space (If You Want to Learn):

1. Get out of the way.
This isn’t about you. Your story, your advice, your need to help, set it aside.
2. Ask, don’t assume.
“Do you want me to just listen, or do you want feedback?” Let them tell you what they need.
3. Resist the urge to fix.
Sit in the discomfort. Breathe. Don’t fill the silence with solutions.
4. Reflect, don’t redirect.
“That sounds really painful.” “I hear you.” Not: “But have you thought about…?”
5. Trust that presence is enough.
You don’t have to do anything. Being there is the thing.

When You Need Space Held for You:

If you’re the one who needs someone to hold space, here’s how to ask:
“I need to vent. Can you just listen without trying to fix?” “I’m not looking for advice, I just need to be heard.” And if they can’t do it—if they start fixing, advising, centering themselves, you can redirect: “I appreciate that, but I’m not ready for solutions. I just need you here.” Or you can find someone who can hold space. Because when someone truly witnesses you without agenda? It’s healing. It’s rare. And it’s sacred.

The Takeaway:

Holding space is presence without agenda. It’s not fixing. Not advising. Just being. It’s a skill, not just something that comes with age. Wisdom helps, but it can be learned. And most people can’t do it yet. Because discomfort, ego, and projection get in the way. But you can practice. Get out of the way. Ask. Resist fixing. Reflect. Trust your presence. That’s the work.

Listen to the full episode where I go deeper into:
        • What holding space actually is (and the buzzword BS around it)
        • Why it’s so hard (and so rare)
        • Whether it only comes with age (or if it can be learned)
        • How to practice it (and how to ask for it when you need it)

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Your Turn:
Has someone ever truly held space for you—without fixing or advising? What did that feel like? Drop it in a message. Let’s honor the people who know how to witness without needing to change.

RELATED EPISODES:

 • Episode 31: Vulnerability • Episode 33: Letting Them Go • Episode 28: If You Can Breathe Through It